First of 2015

2015 has arrived, and my most realistic resolution so far is not holding back. Last night, I overcame a headache and finished one more chapter of the fantasy novel I am writing. There is no certainty on when I will publish it, but this is the year I will take my main character to his long anticipated final destination. Mostly, last night I reminded to myself that if I put my mind into it, I can do it.

I had a few entries scrapped in the last months because they were a little depressing and hardly reached any point; there lies the very reason on why I’ve left this blog idle for such a long time. I wrote a grim note on the “every man is an island” idea: one is isolated, one is limited. Being on an island seemingly left behind by the world was stirring all kind of dark clouds in my mind. I decided not to continue making metaphors on that line because they were not really helping my mood and focus, and I’m glad I did. One can also be an island that dances; one can be an island that remains in one piece after the most wondrous storm.

Rather than become an island drifting astray, I’m a sturdy one that will endure time.

I wonder when this need of proving myself to others will end. I grew up in an environment when my every day behavior was a subject of not only my parent’s approval but also the church’s. Over the years, I have come to love that time of my life for the good it left me, but I’ve come to blame it for the dependence of other’s say on my life that if left. Ironically, every new chapter is the same: there’s always something about my looks, my social status, my inexperience, my age that makes people believe they can underestimate me. In my century, people often talks about bullies as an archetypical manifestation in one person, often overlooking how often they assume the role themselves. I’m tired of being bullied by people with big names, much more so by people who have accomplished nothing. Right now, I’m in the middle of a social experiment where I can see on people’s faces all the tags they –consciously or unconsciously- put on me. I have come to be in terms with it. Nothing no one says truly defines who I really am. Those who perceive me as something I am not are simply too blinded by their own ignorance. The people that are ok with who they are and truly accept others make me very comfortable. They are too busy building dreams on their own to invest any energy in putting others’ to test. I’ve come to learn that the animosity they direct to me and others says more about them that what it says about me.

As soon as I started working in my Italian over here, some people told me that I needed to “avere fiducia in me stesso”, to trust myself. The meaning of that instruction has grown immensely lately. In the first days of this year, I made the promise to myself that I was going to trust my abilities and my judgment more. Now, I will add to that the adamant determination of not leaving room for others to undermine my history of personal success. Partially orphaned while still a teenager, I had to learn all by myself how to find opportunities to grow. Next time someone is against what I stand for, all I have to do is remember that it has been 11 years of fighting, but not only fighting: winning.

I really despise that self-vindication remains a topic.  Something is terribly wrong with this society that demands that you show that you are funny, that you are happy, that you are socially successful, that you’re in a never-ending row of achievements. It serves as a poor consolation that even famous people have to explain their success. If the world is cruel enough to bring someone down from a pedestal, not much sympathy can be expected toward you when you climb up one step.

I don’t need to be on the so called “top of the world” to know that I’ve made it. I may not have found the key to the door to success, but I have found the knowledge to build one for myself. I share Thoreau’s fondness for simplicity but an eye for the shiny things of the world. Somehow, I’ll find my way to get both… or die trying.

This is where the change of calendar finds me: not in a corner intimidated, but in a constant ascend, one that remains invisible to others. I might as well start rapping about knocking bitches down! Dear world, I’m not consulting you anymore. I am not asking for your permission either. I’m celebrating the best legacy of the evolution of the human intellect and exercising my free will.

I also learned another little cheeky phrase in Italian: What people have to say about me “non mi frega niente”, and as Taylor Swift sang “I’m just gonna shake it off”.