What goes behind making something rather personal and shaming for the world to see available for everyone to judge and have an opinion? It took insomnia, a sketchbook, pens, the recurrent image of my last hook up, and a point that I needed to make. I should be proud of myself.
Pride time is here again. I'm suscribed to the news coming from Out Magazine on Facebook plus other minor gay media publishers, so everyday this week has been a parade of articles about how pride is being celebrated or planned around the world. I have been out for quite some time now, so the whole event becomes another holiday just like Halloween or New Years Eve. Attending my first Pride was that act of liberation that burned all the bridges to my past where I would find only condemnation for being who I am and who I have not chosen to be. All of that is long forgotten. Ever since coming out, each year stands as another oportunity to increase the visibility of the gay community in my country. The celebration however, started missing a more personal feeling. What does Pride really mean to me? Why should I be proud?
Though I project myself as a very shameless person (not really caring about getting drunk in public, uploading rather questionable photos of myself, yet another victim of the selfie phenomenon, talking about hook ups in a rather positive tone,and so on ) I do care a lot for respect. I believe that most of the times someone has felt disrespected by me, that's because that person clearly intended to step on one of my rights and I simply did not allow them to make that move. Being perceived as mean, rude or arrogant does drag me down and makes me wonder if I should be ashamed of myself for the things I am doing wrong. Being in front of a large group of people and in a position of authority often exposes me to really hard criticism and constant judgement of the things I am "doing wrong", the things I should be ashamed of. I tell myself that at least I can go back to "just be gay" and just "be with the gays" in our alternative reality for the world to go back to its course . Sure the gays will treat me a little better.
Within the gay community, I have been rather ashamed of myself for not completely fit the mold though. When I came out, I found this rainbow world so open to take me in and shelter me from the hate out there. It turns out that's only a stage, and the gay world didn't take long to become a battleground of lots of people disapproving how masculine I am at times and how femenine I can be some others. People judging me for being super gay and others for not being gay enough were at hand. I'm sure super cool gay guys don't waste time uploading a poorly executed sketch. "Why would he do that now that he was kind of becoming cool again?" I can hear someone say. Wait, so this world of rainbow flags also had its standards of shame?
Shame for not being fit. Shame for being nerdy. Shame for being promiscuous. Shame for what you post on your social media. Shame for your tweets. Shame for your lack of achievements.
Shame on you. Shame on you. SHAME ON YOU.
Why should I attend pride after all? Well, because I actually am proud of myself. Being gay is just that part that the heteronormative world finds hard to accept. That's fine. Not being the kind of gay that is culturaly encouraged earns me criticism within the gay scene. That's fine. Being a dreamer is the kind of thing people too grounded hate about me. That's fine. The fact that I am so determined to live one awesome life generates a lot of criticism. That's fine. Not for one second I should be ashamed of being gay, and being my "own kind of gay", and being a dreamer and aiming high in life because this is who I am.
As it turns out, coming out is not the only battle for pride one is going to have in life. Now I'm in a point of my life in which I have to stand proud not because of who I am inclined to love but for who I am and for whom I want to become. Pride is fought over and earned every day and in every aspect of life. While we move around people and social interaction proves a must in our lives, we will always have to stand up for ourselves. I am an out gay man, so I do belong to this diverse -and many times disfunctional- community. It is my right to be acknowledged as a person what is worth demonstating in today's event. The many other battles are to be fought elsewhere.
When I hit the streets today to stand for pride, at least I'll know what the concept means to me.
P.S. Topic aside, I keep on writing Pride Disguised as Shame, the short story anthology I meant to publish last year. I'm making it even more beautiful so that when I present it to the world, it fills me with pride.
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