This is Costa Rica

What's been happening for the country is huge.

For a while, I had been extra critical of Costa Rica being displayed in the happy planet index because, let's be honest, we all know this is not the Scandinavian utopia they want us to believe it is. The previous government sold the idea we were an exceptional country to mask the fact that we were a boat sinking- so accurately portrayed as such in the objective media. Then we managed to kick Liberación Nacional out, the underdog president won, and there was a wind of change. It started out pretty romantically.

This Sunday changed my idea of everything. I started the day by joining a Pride with a group of straight friends mostly and we had a fucking blast. I no longer have to dream of joining a Pride in London or San Francisco because I can have a similar experience in my city. I have this group of extra supportive people around, and they are willing to attend this event to make a stand for tolerance, understanding, and difference. As a gay man, this is already a victory in life, and it means a lot more than seeing all those super hot guys I am sure attended pride in the big metropolises of the world. This was only half of my Sunday though. Things were about to improve.

Costa Rica won against Greece, as the world is aware. These guys wearing the white t-shirt with the red stripe defied all odds and waited until the very last moment to give a victory that unleashed chaos in a country. It is hard to explain. You have to be here to understand what it is to see the red tide of people swarming.

We have never been good at soccer, or at anything to be honest. We, as a nation, have done decently and clinged too much to historical turning points that gave us something.
-1821, and the first time we assemblied an army to fight the expansionism of the south of United States.
-1949, the abolishment of the army and the birth of the second republic.
-1990, The world cup in Italy where the Costa Rican soccer team made it to the second round, the furthest we had even been.

And there are the things we just happened to have, like being ridiculously gifted by nature. We speak of the Caribbean and the Pacific as part of us, and we're extra cocky of hosting 5% of the world's total biodiversity-though we are not as involved in preservation as we should. Creationists really feast on the idea that there's a good up there, and that he likes us, as natural disasters usually treat us kindly and do not strike as hard as in other places. We've been spared a lot of pain, and for that we owe the university some degree of gratitude.

Awesome as we are, we mean very little to the world. We live under the long shadow of Europe and the more recently under the grace of the United States.We keep on fighting our way into Latin America because most of people in the region resent we try to fit in when we have not shared the struggles that have endured.  As we have seen in this World Cup, most people couldn't even find Costa Rica in a map. Is it South America? Is it Puerto Rico? We seem to have accepted that as a small country, we should not pretend to be too much and be content with the little protagonism we get.

The discourse is changing, though. The lesson La Sele has taugh us is that part of the Costa Rican spirit is giving it all. The words of the national anthem make a little more sense now: "Cuando alguno pretenda tu gloria manchar, verás a tu pueblo valiente y viril." Whenever someone intends to taint your glory, you'll see your people rising valiantly and with virility. At this moment, so much is expected from us that being mediocre - the most common criticism to Costa Ricans, no longer seems like a choice. We have one path and it is ahead. It is happening in soccer only at the time, but I believe the optimism can spread and become a new national value.

I have the feeling this is the start of something beatiful. I mean, a team of fellow Costa Ricans is giving it all for the world to watch and everybody is rooting for us! The team is standing there as pure virtue and a representation of all we cheer for: bravery, courage, PASSION. Passion is definitely a cultural value we should cling to. I could picture Costa Ricans giving their best just because so much is expected from them. I cannot wait to go to other countries and introduce myself as a Costa Rican because I like giving my best, and now this attitude is trending.

The lesson goes beyond soccer. I do not like soccer that much and may not see another game for a while after the world cup is over. I'm mostly elated because of the opportunity this is giving to Costa Ricans of becoming the happiest planet of earth on a solid basis. This is Costa Rica in 2014, and it rocks.

A different meaning for pride.

In case you missed it (because I'm sure my very conservative family did not), I posted this picture online yesterday:

What goes behind making something rather personal and shaming for the world to see available for everyone to judge and have an opinion? It took insomnia, a sketchbook, pens, the recurrent image of my last hook up, and a point that I needed to make. I should be proud of myself.

Pride time is here again. I'm suscribed to the news coming from Out Magazine on Facebook plus other minor gay media publishers, so everyday this week has been a parade of articles about how pride is being celebrated or planned around the world. I have been out for quite some time now, so the whole event becomes another holiday just like Halloween or New Years Eve. Attending my first Pride was that act of liberation that burned all the bridges to my past where I would find only condemnation for being who I am and who I have not chosen to be. All of that is long forgotten. Ever since coming out, each year stands as another oportunity to increase the visibility of the gay community in my country. The celebration however, started missing a more personal feeling. What does Pride really mean to me? Why should I be proud?

Though I project myself as a very shameless person (not really caring about getting drunk in public, uploading rather questionable photos of myself, yet another victim of the selfie phenomenon, talking about hook ups in a rather positive tone,and so on ) I do care a lot for respect. I believe that most of the times someone has felt disrespected by me, that's because that person clearly intended to step on one of my rights and I simply did not allow them to make that move. Being perceived as mean, rude or arrogant does drag me down and makes me wonder if I should be ashamed of myself for the things I am doing wrong. Being in front of a large group of people and in a position of authority often exposes me to really hard criticism  and constant judgement of the things I am "doing wrong", the things I should be ashamed of. I tell myself that at least I can go back to "just be gay" and just "be with the gays" in our alternative reality for the world to go back to its course . Sure the gays will treat me a little better.

Within the gay community, I have been rather ashamed of myself for not completely fit the mold though. When I came out, I found this rainbow world so open to take me in and shelter me from the hate out there. It turns out that's only a stage, and the gay world didn't take long to become a battleground of lots of people disapproving how masculine I am at times and how femenine I can be some others. People judging me for being super gay and others for not being gay enough were at hand. I'm sure super cool gay guys don't waste time uploading a poorly executed sketch. "Why would he do that now that he was kind of becoming cool again?" I can hear someone say. Wait, so this world of rainbow flags also had its standards of shame?

Shame for not being fit. Shame for being nerdy. Shame for being promiscuous. Shame for what you post on your social media. Shame for your tweets. Shame for your lack of achievements.

Shame on you. Shame on you. SHAME ON YOU.

Why should I attend pride after all? Well, because I actually am proud of myself. Being gay is just that part that the heteronormative world finds hard to accept. That's fine. Not being the kind of gay that is culturaly encouraged earns me criticism within the gay scene. That's fine. Being a dreamer is the kind of thing people too grounded hate about me. That's fine. The fact that I am so determined to live one awesome life generates a lot of criticism. That's fine. Not for one second I should be ashamed of being gay, and being my "own kind of gay", and being a dreamer and aiming high in life because this is who I am.

As it turns out, coming out is not the only battle for pride one is going to have in life. Now I'm in a point of my life in which I have to stand proud not because of who I am inclined to love but for who I am and for whom I want to become. Pride is fought over and earned every day and in every aspect of life. While we move around people and social interaction proves a must in our lives, we will always have to stand up for ourselves. I am an out gay man, so I do belong to this diverse -and many times disfunctional- community. It is my right to be acknowledged as a person what is worth demonstating in today's event. The many other battles are to be fought elsewhere.

When I hit the streets today to stand for pride, at least I'll know what the concept means to me.

P.S. Topic aside, I keep on writing Pride Disguised as Shame, the short story anthology I meant to publish last year. I'm making it even more beautiful so that when I present it to the world, it fills me with pride.

Vow to Adventure

I don’t need a lot of approval where I am going. The realization of it has both given me the wonderful light armor that I need to go far with the wind and left me vulnerable to take a few arrows in the process. I’ve decided what my next move in life is, and that has left me blind to what happens and what will happen for the next few months. I understand my drive might be mistaken for arrogance, and my methods for irrational behavior, but I hope that the outcome reveals that there was not much of that but maybe just the will of work in dreams. We all need a healthy amount of ambition.

The way I’ve understood struggle in life more recently comes from the one truth I found on my own. I believe that one wages wars with oneself the moment the heart chooses a path but the mind refuses to go with it. Unhappiness comes from dreading the distance that the heart takes: the separation from it. Happiness comes only when the mind figures out going against the heart is a lost cause and decides to walk with it providing counsel.

Overall, we live in a world of fear that has made us addicted to comfort. How often do we hear praise to bravery and where have we put it in our scale of values? I feel the constant need of testing my limits. I get in trouble a great deal as well. I come out of it with valuable lessons and with a satisfaction that no other thing in this world gives me. I understand now this is not a curse but a blessing. I accept the rest of my life will be ruled by adventure, and I do not fear the occasional losses.  I don’t know how this is possible, but not those who die have lived.

My grandpa told me once the story of the most significant climb of his life.  He made it all the way to the top of the mountain to see what was on the other side. The sight of the flatlands expanding to the north until the eye could no longer reach left him so speechless that he decided right in that moment that he was going to go to distance and as far as he could. He lived in a world with no buses, and no maps, and fewer people that could possibly assist him if a tragedy befell him, yet he ventured into the nothing and lived one of the greatest trips he cherishes. “Much better to travel under your own heart’s command and not under other people’s desires” he would hint later when he told me how after the civil war, his squad was forced to exile in that same north he had visited once. His story was so imbued with the passion of discovery that the time and the years to come failed miserably in fading away for my brain; if anything, the fire for adventure became hotter and brighter. I’ve seen the weight of the past in my grandfather’s eyes when he speaks of his misdeeds, but when he talks about that climb that change it all, I have seen pride and not even for an instant regret.

I have received much love from people. That’s why it took me long hours to plan what I would tell them when I looked them in the eye. It wounds me when they feel that aspiring for more is rejecting the current support they provide. I hope I can prove to them one day that I aspire to rise so that they can rise with me. There’s also that satisfaction one gets from having spoken your mind. It feels glorious to live by your own standards. I believe the ones that matter understand that.

I speak of many things that seem to be forgotten. I speak of magic. I speak of virtue. I speak of adventure. I dwell in a world long gone where bravery actually matters and where adventure is valued above all. When I voice my thoughts I lose some respect earned by the results of the things I have done well in life. Such blows hit right in my confidence, but I can take them. I don’t need a lot of approval where I am going, see? When one walks ahead, all those voices and reprimands stay behind while one keeps on pressing forward, eyes fixed on the rising sun.