When Being You Is Nothing But A Dream

It all feels like a dream when you see how far you are from being the person you want to be.
Reality confronts you in a second, and then you're shocked! You're numb and try to escape from yourself for the truth is to hard to bear.

I've been living too many years trying to be a truthful person to myself and my convictions... and here I am, slave of what happens around me when my motto used to be "circumstances shouldn't control you, you control the circumstances."

I'm failing, and miserably I've got to admit.

I was on my feet reading while the packed bus, screeching all the way, tried to take all the commoners to San José. My concentration was surprisingly good for a Monday morning, specially after a Sunday of sleep deprivation and usual lack of motivation. The world outside kinda blurred for a while, and I was the happiest person living vicariously through the life of Stephen Dedalus when a line of the book stroke me like lightning.

He felt small and weak. When would he be like the fellows in poetry and rhetoric? They had big voices and big boots and they studied trigonometry.

I realized that was my portrait more than the one of the young man as an artist. I was that kid, feeble and afraid with big dreams nonetheless, wanting to have a voice on his own like those authors you read throughout your entire life. I knew I was able to. I knew I could achieve something with my writing, but I was keeping it to myself. I wanted to wear the big boots, but I was afraid they ended up being too tight. The main problem is that I had been the kid for a little bit too long, for enough time to feel that I was shrinking instead of growing. Trigonometry meant the complexity of the world, and I didn't want any of that. I was becoming a bonsai instead of a tree. I needed to bear fruit while I still could.

Now, keeping the tree conceit, I'm aware that I'm not barren. I just feel like I should have been producing for some seasons already. I don't think I'm being blinded by the ideal self; I just want to stop self-boicoting and minimizing my potential.

Just a thought. I don't want to be the shadow of myself, the echo of my voice, a dream of the person I can definitely become.