Ain't no perfect picture lives

There are no Pleasantvilles on Earth. Ain't no perfect picture lives. And I'm writing this note with a bit of anger.

Today, I saw "Precious, inspired by a novel published by Sapphire." Normally, I would go for the technical aspects, you know: performance, setting, plot... This time, however, there was an instant of insight for me. If my life were to become a movie as raw and clear as "Precious," it wouldn't be less explicit. Dunno, I grew up caring a lot about appearances. When you're the son of a pastor, and the members of the church give you their love, support, and MONEY, you end up believing that you owe everybody an explanation of your acts and that the only way for you to be is that righteous person they idealized. But my life has not been a pretty picture life; my family has not been the epitome of perfection as the church or the mortals around seem to expect.

I just imagine the people who has idealized me and my family watching the movie of my life. Well, it was a disaster! I don't know why people think that being raised a Christian gives you the perfect morals to become this integral human. For me the whole Christian thing was very confusing and idyllic. And why is it that I have to be perfect for the people of the congregation? Wasn't this suppose to be MY life? I actually became quite the opposite of everything that I was taught. No vices mom said, but she meant smoking and drinking -which I do by the way, and not everything that is around that might distract you from your goal in life. The latter sounds like a more feasible definition of vices to me.
I still seem to have spectators since I still live in my mom's house. "Do not tell people about those irrational thoughts you have been having lately" It's called being agnostic, mom. It's called thinking differently and nobody out there should care or make faces at you and me just because they think they buy my good behavior with the money of their offerings.
When I first wrote this entry, I included some scenes of my life, but due to the crudeness of them and the unfair exposition of the negative traits of my family, I decided to go on and just make a point. There are no perfect picture lives. Mine isn't either. I wish people expected all the negative from me so that I can surprise them rather than disappointing them. I wish everybody knew that there aren't perfect picture lives and took mine as normal, as this movie Precious, and see the light in the middle of the darkness rather than point out the black parts in my seemingly white image... and fuck off.