I don't know what I want

The Chinese girl in the counter asked me "what do you want"when she saw me rather lost in the alleys of the grocery store.

What a weird feeling when you just don't know what you want. Right, the guy who claimed previously knowing himself has to admit that he does not know what he wants at times. Or maybe I do know what I want, but I am too afraid of being unrealistic about my expectations.

Last time I had sex was not exactly like my ideal of a date, yet I got carried away. While in bed I lost the concentration several times. The thought of my head at those times was "is this what I want"? -- self awareness can ruin the party at times. It wasn't certainly all that I wanted. It was physical when I promised myself I would look for some romance this year, but it was hell of a too good game for just letting it go. It was what I wanted, just partially; that annoyed me.

This afternoon I was watching "Up in the Air" and the main character, Ryan Bingham finds a lady that shakes his principles of being the eternal single. This woman, Alex, agrees to be with him casually. This lifestyle seems to suit them both well until Ryan gets tangled in the love cruise and starts acting more like a boyfriend.
- "What do you want?" Alex asks. "Tell me what you want."
Ryan hesitates, unable to say anything. He grimaces and looks around, unable to speak.
- "You don't even know what you want." Alex concludes.

Sometimes, I'm just not consciously aware of what my desires are. I guess it is normal, and I hope it is transitory. For someone who tries to have his life all figured out, it just becomes ironic that this feeling of being lost is so strong right now. I feel like recording it to look back later and see what happened.

"What do you want?" - The Chinese girl asked. I knew she meant something different and that being rude was not her intention. I was a lost costumer, after all, and she was attempting, with her language limitations, to help me. Maybe if she had said "what are you looking for?" instead I would have answered "antihistamines" and we would have concreted our transaction. However, I felt the question as a confrontation with myself and as a recapitulation of the recent events, my room story included.
"I don't know" I answered and walked away without buying anything and feeling extremely uncomfortable.
Now I have to go again and get the cold medicine.