Him and the elements

I wonder if he noticed that I've been exploring him with all the elements. 

I started out with water, but he was a rock, and I knew it would take me some time to dig a hole into his life. I wasn't part of his solid world, so I started to pour a single drop everytime with the hope my feelings would dig a hole and reach his. I was wind, because once I doubted water would be any good, and then I fled. I came back, to stir his surroundings, to make some noise, to carry sounds from afar in one attempt to impress, and the storm I was causing kept him interested, but I barely erode his surface. Then I went back to be water, and kept on pouring one drop at the time. Then my heartbeat went faster, and the drops with it. I saw the cracks in the boulder, and my drops were streams and then rivers. The water went flamable; here's where the physics made no sense and you risk to think magic does. I was fire and he was fire. We burnt the time wasted. We immolated the ghost of our pasts, and we consumed every last bit of oxygen until we were forced to gasp for air and wonder "what now?" 

Life came to a stop. And then I wanted to be earth. I wanted to be a soil where he could grow his thoughts into a beautiful trees. I was willing to be a hill where he, in the form of wind, could blow freely and play. I wanted to be earth because I wanted him to build the platform that will launch him to see the stars from close. 

The thing is, he was a rock before, and I had no idea he could switch his element as well. Now that I've discovered it, I want to be wind when he wants to be wind, but I want to be earth to offer him a place to come back to. I've seen with some satisfaction how I draw back and become earth slowly to see what he wishes to do, what element he wants to turn into. That's when he, in his ethereal form, comes back and decides to be ground with me for a little while. "What now?" He asks, so I suggest he reads a poem by Jorge Luis Borges and plants his own garden. "I'm here to help you water it" I offer. And I mean it, so I know I'll have to be rain to keep his garden fresh, and I'll have to be wind to blow away some of his clouds that may threatened the growth of his plants. I never thought I could be earth, so maybe by turning into all the elements, I not only explored me, but discovered the most fertile side about myself. A flower just bloomed in my garden too, and it is way too beautiful not to want passionatedly to take care of it. 

I hope he does not mind I drew inspiration from him. I hope he doesn't mind I've been exploring him with all the elements. I still want to see how his garden grows, and I desperatedly need that my wind caughts the scent of his first bloom.

Sort of dating

Since my last break up, my status has often been "sort of dating". It was like, after coming out of two intense monogamous relationships, I was done with the idea of sticking to one person. Sure I've tried, but just when I am about to succumb to my predominantly old fashioned loving style, something takes commitment out of the picture, quite dramatically. Among my excuses, I work too much and barely have any time for myself. Last year I was often out of the country, so no one wanted the prospect of me cheating on them with a foreigner. That saved us all some serious drama. One guy told me I lived too intensively. He could make a case of someone who loved fast because my lifestyle puts things to end just as easily. Then I met the "we don't commit until we are sure we’ve found the right one" generation. As a result of two years of comes and goes, I find myself totally convinced that monogamous relationships are only one shade in the spectrum of how we choose to love.

In an attempt of coming to terms with myself, I accepted "sort of dating" was my current status. I’m sort of dating someone.  We're not a couple but we're not strangers, and we most definitely do not base our interactions on sex to call ourselves friends with benefits. The pre-existing categories of our human interaction do not describe us. However, whenever we are together, we'd like to think we are a couple. We are there to spend quality time, support each other, discuss dreams and aspirations and have wonderful physical connection. We share our food and drinks, and we have Access to each other’s belongings really easily. There isn't a selfish secret agenda,but there aren't any promises other than the openly stated. Such are the terms in which we have learned to come to the other.

I'm going to burst the bubble of this idyllic dating model. Sort of dating is complicated because your availability highly depends on how close you feel with the other person at the moment. I've had truly monogamous times perfectly alternated with some very carefree times .During this ambivalent stages, I struggle trying not to take personal that he's not there to catch me when I fall plus all the other expectations built around the couple's archetype. That's a need I may have to ask friends to cover. Or what about sucking it up? Or what happens when you feel emotionally closer to other person? You take the risk of playing along and create a two week to one date (whatever is suitable for the occasion) getaway with someone else. It all happens, and if the people you just invited to your life temporarily do not leave a stronger impression, you go back to your sort of dating comfort zone and nothing has really happened. There’s always the risk of making a bad choice and leaving a real opportunity go. There’s always the risk of not going back to the sort of dating state.By society's standards, I should be some ruthless libertine for even considering sort of dating morally right. On how life works, I'm happy to find that the own social constructions I make are equally valid as those others have shaped for us. People can find mine offensive, yes. People can react skeptically; that's also a possibility. My consolation is that I no longer feel I have to justify (beyond this entry, that is) how my way of loving is truthful to my principles and how real it feels for me.

Can sort of dating lead to actual dating? If the time is right and the stars are aligned, I do not see why not. In the meantime, if I happen to be to be single it does not mean I'm available just as if I happen to be sort of dating does not mean I can't explore my possibilities. If I have an encounter with someone else while sort of dating, it would not mean I've stopped caring for my sort of date. We're clear on redefining our relationship the moment the current arrangement threats on hurting any of us. Middle finger to all traditional models and the way we’re taught to understand and judge the world. I’m 27, sort of dating, and life has never felt this down to earth.